A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece. ~Ludwig Erhard

There are certain things in my life that are necessary. Keeping toilet paper stocked up in the bathroom, wearing warm socks when it’s cold, flirting with cute old men, and eating cake on my birthday.


Last year, I was turning 32 on my birthday. Not really a big deal and I didn’t want a big, fancy party or anything. I was busy, not in a particularly good mood and had school that night anyway. All I wanted was to eat a piece of cake.

But, as it turned out, I forgot about needing cake until after class let out at 10pm. On my hour-long drive home, I decided a cupcake would do. The only place open that late that may possibly have cupcakes is a donut shop. They’re open 24 hours, so I pulled in to the parking lot at 11pm, tired but looking forward to my treat.

As I parked, I noticed 2 cop cars driving slowly through the parking lot, as if they were scoping the place out for a donut dash later. I laughed to myself about clichés and walked toward the door to the shop.

As I approached, I noticed a lady sitting in one of the chairs next to the door of the donut shop. But I remained focused, and tried the door. It was locked. I’m pretty sure I cocked my head to the side and looked confused – like how dogs do when they think they heard someone say “treat” or “outside”, but they aren’t quite sure.

The lady at the table said to me – Who are you?

I answered – I’m Lailani Ali.

She queried – Like you’re a big f@kng deal?

I answered – It’s by birthday today. That is a big f@kng deal.

Then, I tried the door again, peered inside through the glass. WHY are they closed? I want a cupcake! It’s my birthday and that’s kind of a big deal! Right?

The lady wasn’t done with me yet.

“I never got anything for my birthday. My sister – she got all the toys she wanted. Anything she wanted. She got dolls. I had to MAKE MY OWN rag doll.”

Oh… this is why the cops were in the parking lot and why the door to the 24 hour donut shop was locked. Bummer. No cupcake for me. I resigned myself to having an interesting exchange with a crazy person instead. Maybe a cupcake tomorrow. Sigh…

She continued – My sister got everything. I GOT NOTHING.

I replied – I was just trying to get myself a cupcake.


“YOU got a car for your birthday. I had to make my own toys.”

“Lady, I bought this car for myself. I think you’re confused.”

“YOU GOT EVERYTHING. I GOT NOTHING.”

“Well, I can see this isn’t going anywhere productive.”

I walked back toward my car as she continued to spout hatred at me for the unfairness our parents had, apparently, shown to us. I’m not that lady’s sister. She didn’t know this, though. Hopefully, that helped her to get some stuff off her chest.

I didn’t ever have that cupcake, even the next day. But I made up for it during my birthday week this year. I ate cake and ice cream for 3 days in a row.